the mOrOn!s3d !d!o+ speaketh

Hi, its been a long long while since I wrote anything. Well, to those whom were told, I was involved in an accident about a month ago. The bus had thought that im a little too irresistible to brush up against and instead it had hit my brother’s car, in which I was driving. WiWi, which I had affectionately referred it, (it’s a Wira) suffered quite a damage. I might as well fill you guys in what a demon queen like me did when I was hit.

I was driving along the Medan Kidd road in Ipoh town where I just passed by the main police station on my right and was approaching the roundabout when I notice the bus behind me on the right was a little too close for comfort. So what I did was to brake a little and allow the biiiiiiiigggggg bus go first, in case it brushed the car. And.. that is exactly what happened. In a mere second, I was staring at my side mirror, praying and hoping the bus driver was a F1 driver or some kind of a Impak Maksima stunt driver or some Fast and Furious guy who knew his stuff. Everything, everyone stood still for a millisecond, Orange Range went mute, my hands lost spirit and and left foot stepped on the brakes. Hard. The sound of the bus came crashing was deafening. The crunch and the shriek of metals brushing stabbed and clawed at the cockles of my black heart. The sound of the tyres puncturing due to the bus’s heavy pressure shattered my ear drums. The sight of the bus’ body an inch within my face disfigured me. The feeling that despite I jammed the brakes, WiWi was being dragged forward almost killed me. But, I was fine. I was safe. Within the confines of WiWi, I was saved. I had destroyed WiWi.

“GYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH~!!”. Logic and sense splashed into my face the moment I screamed. Panic turned into a violent rupture. Yes, I was scared but somehow, the feeling of someone, something had injured my partner, my friend, overshadowed. Yes, I had thought WiWi as a friend. (Didn’t you know already im weird?) In the split second fear struck, I slammed and banged my fist onto the mirror like some screwed up scorned woman. I yanked the safety belt off and jumped onto the passenger seat and got out from there. That’s where I finally turned bankai/ super saiyan/ rasengan/ dunk smashed/ innocenced/ guitar smashed the hell outta the bus driver. You can call me the queen of profanity if you want. I banged on the bus, screamed, shouted, pointed and even competed in a staring contest with both the conductor, bus driver, tow truckers and even nosy people.

I stood there. I won the shouting match. I won the who’s right who’s wrong contest, I was confirmed profane, I shouted at the police officer, I threw a mega big finger at the rude driver who shouted at me to move the car despite seeing that I was only a girl, I was told its alright by my brother who owned WiWi and I died inside. No matter what a clumsy person I was, I had always tried my best to be careful with WiWi. It was something my brother loved. And I completely understand how it feels like having something like that. You worked hard for it. You took care of it. It was something you bought out from your sweat blood and tears. I had Reno, my beloved PC. When it crashed with virus, I was devastated. When I crashed WiWi, I only had thought about my brother. How terrible it must be for him. Having a sister who constantly used his car like its hers. And that sister had crashed it.

I tried to show a strong face. But its never alright for me. Its never alright for someone who loved WiWi, despite the fragile body, the extreme need of an overhaul, the static it gives, the messy interior which was decorated with shoes.

I remember this is not the first time someone had crashed into WiWi while I was driving. There was one small incident when the Harrier suddenly swerved to its right when I was in the right lane. Apparently, it was 4am in the morning and the driver could be so drunk, he didn’t realize he had smashed a rice bowl dent on WiWi and sped off. But it was alright to move so, in a stirred up mode, I drove on home. I was banned from driving WiWi for 3 months. It made me sad. So sad I tried to evade coming home from KL so I wont be faced not having to drive it. But this time. Its not a small dent. Its too irreversible even if they fixed it, WiWi would be different.

I had just went to see WiWi at the work shop. They left him in the side of the road. Under the scorching sun it stood still. In the same terrible state. And the bastards took out one of the fog lights which I clearly remember it was not affected by the crash. It was nothing we could do. My father had tried to inquire about it but we were brushed aside. I died again today looking at it. I would have unleashed the same anger about the fog light. But I simply couldn’t. I didn’t want to inflict even more unnecessary damages on it by doing something rash like that again. The whole journey home was painful. I stiffened up my upper lip and tried to make a conversation with my dad. But tears were already welling up I had to look to the side and blink it off.

Maybe some of you are already rolling up your eyes. Maybe some of you are already stamping the word Emo on my forehead. Let’s try some scenario on yourself. Ask yourself. If your family had nothing, not even a piece of a fixed deposit worth of RM500, currently renting a house and are trying to get by the tough times, your parents are old and the days are rainy, they go to work on a small kapcai and come home drenched in rain waters. Your mom is constantly sniffling and your dad is getting older day by day. And you’re nothing but a girl who tried her best to get by in this shitty banking job, you consciously knew of all things material, the car was your brother’s prized possession. And YOU, you had crashed it. Congratulate yourself. You’ve created another legend and a dent in your heart as well as your brother’s. Do you feel dead?

Don’t tell me its nothing I could’ve done. I know ive tried to stop the collision from happening by trying to let it pass. I know its not something we can control. I also know this weight in my heart and tears in my eyes is nothing I could’ve evade from. Feelings are made to either build you up or destroy you. I will not run away and tell myself its alright, when its not alright with myself. Its self destructive thinking. But I might be feeling a little better by not pushing it on someone else. Because it’s the truth im not alright.

So, its been awhile. In fact, when it isnt? Life has always been on procrastination. I wonder when will things speed up.  like how would things get all so draggy n graggy n snaggy in its painful process.  Ive just re-read my past work in poetry  and i noticed  that i have shifted away from the pains i endured from that time.  I wasnt exactly happy now either. Have you guys ever sat on your butts, strecth out your legs and stare at your toes and ask them where they’ve been? Where do they want to go in the future?

Life is…

     I went for what it seemed a jog today. Well, sort of. yeah yeah yeah, drop your jaws or something. The lazy rat went for a jog but nowadays i regularly goes for one in a week. Normally, i go for a late jog in the evening. The jogging track i frequent were well lit and i usually jogs with a friend. Today’s a holiday and i decided that sitting in front of my beloved PC watching Prince of Tennis the whole day is a waste so i went out to jog by myself at arnd 5pm today.

     The moment i arrived, as expected,  saw a lot of families having a great time, people running around, mat rempits loafing about and minah kilangs who were keen to get on their bikes. So i started off with my warm up and started my jog. I went for five rounds. i walked about four rounds. Its so frustrating because of the crowd. I mean, u know you’re gonna jog, my goodness can you stop carrying those big umbrellas and hoard the whole track with your grandmother stories~!And those kids, those damned kids just had to cycle on the tracks when they have another place for them! Someone call the animal kid control~!!
     Amongst the myriad of people i saw today, the ones who amused me the most were the prima donnas with make up exercising. Man, i was really amazed with wat they put on their faces~! i can see the shirt on their backs were wet with sweat yet their make up doesnt even smudge a bit. The mascara were holding their lashes perfectly, the eyeliner were perfectly lined and the lipstick were even glossed over~!
     Yeah actually, im just complaining about people. Yeah, i need that.

Hi people. It’s been terribly long since i’ve written anything here. A lot has happened since the last 6 months… and its probably been a year. heheh..Well, im gonna story my 23rd birthday celebration in detail later (that’s last year’s) but i wanna emphasize dat i had the happiest 23rd birthday ever. Then i graduated and found a job in a bank. Yeah it all happened in the last 6 months. I think im getting pretty old.
    So, i finally did mentioned dat ive found a job in a bank. To those who browsed through my profile would be extremely surprised. Even i myself was surprised. But after 6 months of trying, im starting to wonder why i had let this happen to myself. Is the position and salary worth my unhappiness? Ive no clue.

Was it a spur of the moment? i just blurted out that i am taking care of little Kiba. To my surprise all my dad said was "Heh.. We don’t have a place for it." But when i told him that Kiba is staying outside, he somewhat agreed to let his new "son" into the family. Before that, when i called my brother and told him about it, all he wants me to agree was that Kiba was to stay outside. Well, he has to. He’s bound to grow big.
     Well, yeah. Kiba is a puppy my friend found by the roadside. Its a German Shepherd mixed mongrel, according to him. Actually, it was during the pouring rain when he saw two puppies. Initially he only took one because he can’t take care of two. While we were discussing about it, i felt really worried and somewhat painful for the one which was left behind. So, i urged and nearly begged my friend to look for Kiba. All i thought during the whole time while my friend was looking for Kiba was that the little dog is fine. He was about to give up when he saw the little dog running towards him! Of course i was glad but aware at the same time that my friend were not able to take care of two puppies.
    I have always loved dogs. It goes a long way back to tell you how much i had wanted a dog. i remembered i cried the whole night when my mom won’t let me keep a puppy that followed me home. i even called my brother while crying when he was studying in Nilai to tell him.I remembered i held a grudge against her so much when she allowed my brother to keep a dog he’d found. Not even close to one day later, it was stolen. i wasn’t happy about it but at the same time i’d gloat to her that’s the karma of ‘cruelty’ she had shown earlier against me. i guess it was immature yet, i think it just proved how much i wanted a dog. So when i dogsat Honeydew for Erin, she relented. But it was because the cute little dog wasn’t mine.
     Given my early struggles against my parents to keep a dog, you’d probably think "Great, now she’s happy." But the irony of that certain desire was, i’m doubtful right now. i started to ask myself questions if i will be a good owner, will i be able to train him or even deal with him? It won’t be as easy as Honey because Kiba is not going to be small. Kiba will be more aggressive if not trained well. Thus, the name Kiba. Kiba means ‘fangs’ in Japanese. i wanted to name him Ramen earlier, but i just thought maybe Kiba would be the best among Naruto, Neji, Ichigo, Wan Tan mee, Sushi, Yu Fa, Sakai and okay.. i think u can imagine how the list goes on. Oh sigh…the indecisiveness when you finally get something.

Yeah, everybody. I was actually QUIET for a DAY. Unnatural? Betcha. I was having a really bad toothache. Well, i guess im still a kid (23 yrs old kid) with growing pains. Yeah i meant that literally. Wisdom teeth (note the plural…upper and lower..damn painful o!) decided to show its ugly head from the burial grounds of pink healthy cute gums. hmm… Are gums supposed to be cute? Hmmm… Yeah, everything associated with me is cute! AHhaha… Oh damn… im talking to myself already. Must be the painkillers i took earlier.

    It doesn’t help that i had nosebleeds. To think that in my whole life i had called my brother the King of Nosebleeds in the house as i stared at my hand that just wiped my nose, i quickly phoned home and excitedly told my dad about it.
              Dad: Why are you so excited?
              me:  I’m not excited, just amused that i would see blood coming out from my nose.
In the spur of a moment, i felt kinda victorious. Oh yeah i had nose bleeds!! Bimbo? Yes. I am.

   I guess its just one of those things during my brief moments of silence while there is no one to annoy or talk to that i’ve wondered so many a times. I’ve always wondered if i’ll ever experience real pain, real fear, and stuff. Sometimes i just tell myself that aren’t my struggle with life and death in the hospital fearsome or painful enough, or that encounter with that big, big, spider scared me enough? Those are the things that i often forget that i’ve always led a victorious life even over death although my grades were just average, that im not some rich person , that im lazy and im not really exactly that perfect. Its the little little things in life that i’ve learned to appreciate that has made me go through all the shit that happens in life.
    As a conclusion, YEAH I HAD NOSEBLEEDS!!!!!

   Well to those who don’t know already, im working part time in KL now. Yeah im selling bras and panties in MidValley. Sounds kinda strange because this time im out of the food and beverage line. Its a fresh change and less tiring but i still prefer the food and beverage line more. It takes a bus trip and another train trip to reach my workplace everyday. Now im starting to experience the monogamous feeling of being trapped in the rat race alongside with a bunch of unknown people with the same dillemma.

   The commuter trips often trigger memories and thoughts in my head as i travel to work. Recently, it even ventured to memories of my late grandfather who passed away when i was thirteen. As the train chugged along the tracks, my memory chain clinked on the bottom of my heart. The crude jokes he used to tell us, the dirty songs he used to teach us , the love he showered us and the protective barrier that surrounded me and my brother all came crashing down into my eyes, jerking a few droplets of tears while doing so.

   i still hear and see him, vision, sound and soul, when he saw me getting ready for tuition classes and he’d say "study hard and go to a university for ah gong ah." Not wanting to tell him i wasn’t interested in my studies, i just nod my head and go out. Little did i know, i did end up in a local university. But my grandad had already passed away so long ago to know any of this. i remember two days before i came for orientation, i went to his grave to ‘tell’ him. As i stood there, i wondered what to say or even how to tell it to him. He was gone. I looked at my dad and he just said, "well, tell him." but i just stood there staring at his grave.

    I had wondered what i had been feeling when i woke up that morning and heard my mom crying. i tried to tell my self no it wasn’t.But i got up anyway to face it. The few days before he acted really weird. I still remembered my grandad’s the one who always wakes us up for school and makes us breakfast. But the day before he got up late and my brother went to school late as well. On that day i heard my brother rushing for school just like the day before and he was grumbling about my grandad not waking him up. I even heard he said that my grandad was still sleeping. But as i stood there and watched my mom and dad, i knew he was not really sleeping. He was gone. He cant get my brother up for school because he couldn’t.

   You guys know what… i really can’t go on writing this anymore. Maybe i’ll continue on with another post. Right now i just can’t. My eyes are getting sore and my nose is stuck. Yes, i do still cry when i thought of my grandad who gave me so much. Yes, i love him and yes i miss him very much. Yes, i don’t mind taking care of him because of Parkinsons and i never did. I did not even let my mom scold him. Okay alright, im stopping. Im out of tissues already.

   To those who doesn’t understand the title, let me explain. The Low Blood Pressure Dark Queen only applies to those who doesn’t like to be wakened up unneccesarily when they’re sound asleep. Recently for assignment fever reasons, yours truly has become one.  Yes, everybody please stretch out your left hand while standing and hail the new Low Blood Pressure Dark Queen.

   Now, to spot one is easy. Try to go and wake someone up after knowing that they have been slaving in front of the computer to meet the insane demands of their instructors the night before really early. If their response were mild and looks at you in a blur expression, then he/she is not the King/Queen. Try me after this Sunday night and wake me up at 6.30am for stupid reasons (i hate to wake up before the sun comes up). The first indicator is my face will instantly become demonlike with my eyebrows furrowed so much you’ll think Ichigo has possesed me. (That explains the dark term) Now next is the cold, hard, "What do you want?" query. But please take note this only happens when i’m very tired the night before.

   Come the main story. I was very tired the other night doing my assignments when the phone rang at abt 8.30am. It was someone whose in a direct sales trying to sell me something sounding all chirpy and all good morningy. Yeah. Let’s just imagine what i told the girl on the phone that when i hung up, i can hear her crying. Yeah. All Hail the Low Blood Pressure Dark Queen.

Life by Yui

In the city I’m not used to that’s full of dirt,
I can’t laugh the same and I walked with my head down
People pass by in a quick pace
I ask "has their dreams come true?" But I’m still struggling

I want to try living in the present
rather than returning to my childhood
It’s my nature to be a coward

If I go to a sunny spot and stretch my arms out,
I wonder if I can go beyond the sky
that’s what I thought

The wings I use to fly away are still invisible
It’s because it’s not simple that I can go on living

I just picked up a wet puppy
and for a while, I laughed so much that tears spilled
"I want to be loved, I just want to be loved"
is what I said. It’s no good just to ask for it

When I was a child, there were days when I hurt my mom badly
I want to change everything

I went to a sunny spot and tried holding your hand tightly
I will destroy that place, that time so I can change my life

But I really can’t express everything that’s in my heart
It’s because it’s not simple that I can go on living

I went to a sunny spot and spread out my map, but
I know… You know… that even the path of doubts can’t be helped
I can change my life

All the days that have passed make up the me that’s here now
It’s because it’s not simple that I can go on living

The sun was shining and little Carmen was on her way to school when little Carmen heard some big bad wolf whistling. Little Carmen ignored and continued on skipping to school but the big bad wolf just wouldn’t stop. So, little Carmen thought he was a friend and looked but he wasn’t. So, little Carmen gave him dagger eyes but the bold big bad wolf even  slowed down his kapcai and whistled even harder. Alas, little Carmen got angry and gave him the finger and lipsynched obsceneties at him. The big bad wolf, seeing that little Carmen actually have big fluffy hair, wearing a sweater top with rolled up sleeves and a pair of denims with a skull’s pictured sprayed across, got scared and sped away.

    Now, what we learn here is not to whistle at girls who look like they can beat the testicles out of you but if you’re caught in such a situation, the least you can do is to run away with style. But the bastard have to change his perverted expression to a green colour and contorted it so much that he looks like he’s gonna have his ‘brother’ cut off with his hands bound. i guess this is the answer when Jaclyn asked me why i favor Reno of Final Fantasy VII and Ichigo from Bleach (all anime and game characters)to real human beings, it is because real guys with their attitude is seriously getting extinct, zo to. I’d rather have some mindplay than to have some guy like the wolf. And if all the men in the world dies except him, somebody kill me please.